No 2,534 Alton Towers
Wednesday November 3, 2004
Whaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!@@ Will you be quiet.
Whooooooooohhhhhh!!@@@!!**** I'm going to have to call the police.
What's the problem? The noise.
But this is a theme park, Britain's best - you're supposed to shout and squeal. Not any more.
How come? Judge Timothy Gascoigne has served a noise abatement notice on Tussauds Theme Parks, which runs Alton Towers, and fined it £5,000 for disturbing local residents.
Seems a bit steep. Just like the rides.
Had somebody complained? Stephen and Suzanne Roper, who live 100 yards from the park, have spent an estimated £250,000 fighting the squealers, arguing that the noise had turned their lives into a "nightmare".
Any other complaints? They objected to firework displays and pop concerts. Oh, and they thought the Peter Rabbit and Friends on Ice show was cruel to animals.
Peter Rabbit, really? No, that was a feeble attempt at humour.
High-squeal rides: Nemesis, Oblivion, Corkscrew, Ripsaw.
Low-squeal rides: Frog Hopper, Doodle Doo Derby, Riverbank Eye Spy.
Intriguing-sounding bit of Alton Towers: Ug Land.
Non-PC bit: Katanga Canyon - an "African colonial village".
Boring-sounding bit: Storybook Land.
Bizarre historical bit: Merrie England, with the much-loved David Starkey log flume.
Another lie! This column's longer than you think.
Background info of interest to David Starkey: Alton Towers used to belong to the earls of Shrewsbury. It's been a tourist attraction since the 1890s.
What happens now? Tussauds are planning an appeal.
A quiet one, I hope. Hey, very good.
Do say: " ."
Don't say: "Oh, mummy, just one more go on Nemesis, PLEEEEZZE!!!!!@@!!!!."